Hmmmm...

My heart is currently being driven in different directions than I thought.

I do not want to go into a lot of personal detail (perhaps in the future), but Chad and I have experienced a bit of a family crisis this week. And I have reacted quite differently.

Usually my buttons are easily pushed, I get angry, blah blah blah. I told Chad, the past 7 months of my life have changed me. Infertility has changed me. Buying a house has changed me. My new job has changed me. Some is good, some is bad ... but I have changed. I am handling myself and my life differently, and I am proud of my reactions.

I want to act in love, walk in grace, give peace, and be a constant in peoples lives. I want to be there, be available, and be present in my own world. I want to have something in my smile or in my hug that sends out love... I want to be something.

A good weekend.

So, my weekend started with staying home Thursday and Friday with a sick husband and a stomach bug. Thank goodness we did not swap our sickness, and we were good for at least part of the weekend!

Being locked in the house really was probably a good thing, I am a huge do-not-spread-your-germs person ... so I had to miss work and a baby shower for a beautiful friend ... but I could simply not risk getting her sick!

So, in between rests I pulled out my new to my sewing machine and taught myself some great stuff; I made new pillows for the living room out of curtains that did not work ... and new throw pillows for the guest bed.

Then, we went to an amazing small group and church on Sunday, and I found a lot of joy and peace. Then, I found a new obsession at Michaels. I am now making jewelry. And I am IN LOVE! It was the perfect craft to add to my world. I am a-okay with being a crafty girl!!

What a difference a day makes!

Am I feeling better? Yes. Do I want to delete the below post and forget I ever felt that way? Yes. But, I have to remind myself there might just be someone out there some day that will happen upon that in a google search and need it. So, I will leave it.

BUT ... I am feeling much much better today. I talked to some good friends yesterday, I prayed, I focused ... and I remember that I am the only one in control of my happiness. God wants me to be happy, my hubby wants me to be happy, and if I resist them I am the one that suffers!

So today, I commit (or re-commit!) myself to what really matters in my life and try to let go of all that junk that is out of my control. A smile on my face and love in my heart is controllable by me. so thats the plan, man :)

The Waves of Infertility.

I am in a wave today. A wash out, drug deep inside, wave of emotion filled water that is pulling me to the core of infertility.

It seems that the wooshing water sneaks up out of no where and knocks me down, and then it is gone before I can even recognize what happened. Leaving me feeling wet from tears, cold, and disoriented laying on the ground not knowing just what triggered this happening again.

I want to enjoy that we are taking a break, I want to feel like I do not have to carry this weight around with me all the time, but i do ... it is here like it or not, And I constantly feel those that love me saying, "You are taking a break! Enjoy it! Relax!"

When will people understand?

This is my job and a woman! My stupid body is broken! I cannot forget the past 7 months! I cannot help but fear what is going to happen when this break is over! I cannot forget that everyone around me is just where I want to be! I know I have amazing things to love in this life right now, I know I am happy about them, but that does not make the pain of this vanish! It makes it appear that I should and could let it go and be okay, when I can't.

So, I vent. In a blog, hoping no one will read it. Or hoping that the people out there that know just what I am saying will find a little comfort in knowing they are not the only one. And I need that comfort, too.

Okay, the truth.

Here it is. We still took the Clomid this month.

In a hope to stay on schedule more than hope that it would work.

And it did not work.

So we are officially on break as of today until January. I can almost feel that my ovaries need a breather! 7 months of medications and emotions leads to soreness! So that is where I am with that. (sad? yes. irritated? check. anything I can do about it? nope.)

WE MOVE INTO THE HOUSE TOMORROW!!!! So excited :) Pictures soon, promise!!

What a weekend.

I mean, best ever. Really.

I am not even sad to be back at work today. I realize it is Monday, but this weekend was so restful and relaxing, I am okay with it.

We ate (thanks for the CitiPass, Lisa! Best coupon book EVA!), we played, we dreamed.

I am so thankful to finally feel 100% about our spiritual life, too. Hope Park is quickly becoming home ... this will be our 6th week there and we are feeling so great about it. I love it!

Speaking of home ... our home looks CRAZY right now! Instead of trying to repair the upstairs porch off the master bedroom (or as I called it, the veranda!) They completely tore it down and are rebuilding it from scratch! It is crazy to see that just days before we are closing ... but yay!! So our current hopeful closing day has pushed from the 25th to the 30th. Oh well :)

I know what I'm doing.

^0-11This is God's Word on the subject: "As soon as Babylon's seventy years are up and not a day before, I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.¹²"When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. ^13-14"When you come looking for me, you'll find me. "Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed." God's Decree. "I'll turn things around for you. I'll bring you back from all the countries into which I drove you"—God's Decree—"bring you home to the place from which I sent you off into exile. You can count on it.

Let this sink in today ...

I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out -- plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plants to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. When you come looking for me, you'll find me. Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed.

Am I believing today? Am I buying in? Am I getting serious? I sure am trying.

Happy birthday to me!

Well, it is here!

The dreaded 29th birthday. I am 29. I am now 364 days from 30.

WOW.

I am fighting the temptation to say, "I wanted X, Y, and Z to have happened in my life by now!" Instead, I am looking at all I do have, and reveling in it. Wow, when I really think about it, LIFE IS GOOD!

So 29, watch the heck out, I am making the most out of your 365 days!!!

happy 9.9.09!

Here are a list of 9 things I am happy about on this day, 9.9.2009.

I challenge each of you to try this out on your blogs today ... think of 9 things that despite your circumstances are good right this moment.

1) There are only 16 days left until we get the keys to our new home!

2) My husband is the greatest guy :)

3) I have a fantastic God who loves and protects me always.

4) I am learning so much about myself and my life right now, and it's grand!

5) Fall is on the way ... so soon!

6) I am learning.

7) My new job is going well!

8) Our new puppy Jake is settling in.

9) My life. Good or bad days aside, I have it pretttttttty good!

Life

You know, I realize that in bad situations, people are quick to say, "Things will get better ... life will go on." And I think that is actually true.

We are still sad and heartbroken over our current baby-making-sit-u-ation ... but our life is going on. We just had our 3 year anniversary (love you, babe!), one week form today is my birthday, and two weeks from Friday we close on our house!!

Life is continuing, and I am letting my struggle take a back seat to the rest of it right now. Happiness, true happiness, is sometimes separated by a lot of poo-filled life ... and today I want to dive into the happiness and snuggle in.

What is happening in your life right now that makes you happy? What can you focus on instead of the storm?

"I can see the light, that is coming ... for the heart that holds on."